flame_xslut

Somebody let me down
Somebody show me love
I wouldn't care much either way

I'd rather the sticks and stones
Than dragging the ball and chain
What if the world won't take me?

Even if the hole should crack
Even if the blood flows red
Nothing could be worse than numb

Please, use me up
I just want anyone
To use me up
'Cause no one ever does
Use me up

I've carried it all too long
The fear of the pain it brings
Feeling the panic building up

I'd rather the broken heart
Than living the emptiness
What if the world won't save me?

Even if the bough should break
Even if the blood runs cold
Nothing could be worse than numb

Please, use me up
I just want anyone
To use me up
'Cause no one ever does
Use me up
Use me up

Treat me somewhere cruel
You can throw me away as long as I feel it
Show me something real
You can deceive me
I am yours to use
Use me up
Use me up
Use me up</font></font>

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

fingertips have memories; mine can't forget the curves of your body...

reading over the facts makes me miss you like crazy. sweet dreams to what we had and hello to new beginnings. i'm glad i'm finally over you. but please, give me a minute to mourn the passing of the past and wave hello to the arrival of today. this way i won't be suprised when i never see you again.

I'm more confused then ever. I don't know how he feels and I wish I did. I like him alot, so much, and I wish things weren't so weird.

Quotes, stanzas, and verses from my poetry scrapbook/inspiration book.

'Be my guest upon sea voyages and small town circuses, write all your big words in little letters just to see if you can still pack a punch. and i, myself, am not partaking in much but shamjobs and astrophysics. Placing numbers before letters, i'm really just trying to put the wires back together and connect your place to mine.'

-----

'and i've passed by the windows,
honey colored squares of light framing girls writing things
on their arms in red, and girls
arched over porcelain bowls, heaving and heaving into
pleasurable climax,
sacrificing their insides to an imaginary lover.'

-----

'don't bother saying you're sorry / why don't you come in / smoke all my cigarettes again
everytime i get no further / how long has it been?
come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams / you take up my time / like some cheap magazine / when i could have been learning something / oh well, you know what i mean
i've done this before / and i will do it again / come on and kill me baby / while you smile like a friend / oh and i'll come running just to do it again'

-----

'but we leave the sound on cause the silence is harder,
and no one's the killer and no one's the martyr;
the world that has made us can no longer contain us.'

-----

'take me, take me back to your bed
i love you so much that it hurts my head
i don't mind you under my skin
i'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in

well, you're my favorite bird and when you sing
i really do wish that you'd wear my ring
no matter what they say i am still the king
and the storm is coming,
the storm is coming in'

-----

'how he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth,
in a struggle to find secret songs that you keep
wrapped in boxes so tight, sounding only at night as you sleep

and in my dreams you're alive and you're crying,
as your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet'

-----

'i forgave but i never forgot
the smell of your leather seats
your beautiful eyes
& the rips in your jeans.'

-----

'i say it, but i'm sure you knew
that you're what i look most forward to'

Cheaaa. So I need a showaa. :( Lol. I gotta get one after I post this actually. Gotta work today, 1245 to 830 [weird hours, I know]. I don't wanna go, but I gotta. Oh well.

So figured I put up some stuff you can check out. Theres fiveunfamousVloggers on youtube, the vlog group Matt's in. Been checking out some videos, laughing my ass off. Well played, folks. :) So check them out.

Also, everyone should check out the song Dice by Finley Quaye. I first heard it on the New Years episode of the OC, season one and I loved it then. Finally searched it up on youtube, and still love it.

My myspace page? Check it: hit the myspizzleee

And also my youtube page, which hopefully, if I can get my stupid cam working, I'll be posting vids on, starting my own vlog sorta thing. xD : youtubing it hoee. And while you're over there on youtube, take the time out to watch [and love] Charlie the Unicorn, parts one, two, and three. You'll thank me. There's also, for those of you into Harry Potter, the Potter Puppet Pals. I highly reccomend all of them, but Wizard Swears and The Mysterious Ticking Noise are classics. So hit those up as well.

That's all for now. <3

This makes me mucho happy.

Not much to update on. Having a get together at Mandi's Friday evening. Hopefully Matt will show up. For whatever reason, I cannot stop liking him. I lose, I know. So far, Manda, Christina, and Fe are coming...and Dirty Danny Ray, ugh. Bastard. Lol, I don't like that guy.

Poetry tiemz nao plz?

( these precious illusions.. )

Sorry it's so much, but I haven't been able to post in a long time. :(

The sweet sting of new love
Awakened by smiles
Translucent white skin
Traveling for miles

I'm following the path
You're creating with your hips
My eyes glued to the tongue
That darts fast between your lips

In sturdy concentration as you plot another move
Feeling the sharp rhythms
The drum beats and the grooves
The many modern moments
Created by a verse

Poetry in motion
You're so beautiful it hurts

And I still at the pounding
That is kicking like the bass
Of your heart behind your breast
That is lighting up your face

You come about your rapture
To thunderous applause
I stop; click, hold and capture
Your stunning held repose

One hand to the heart
The other pointed steep
Thanking god in heaven
For the ground beneath your feet

I'll update more, I swear. I just hit this up tonight to say R.I.P DJ AM. You'll be missed insanely, sir. Rock out in Heaven...if there is one anyway. Haha. <3

Some recent pics..


@ the bottom


Joshie :D


He's Jesus!!

I wrote a Haiku.

I believe one day
That I will be whole again
With or without you

See? 5-7-5. A haiku.

Not much to say except life blows.

I'm looking at you
I'm envious of all you
Have and all I don't

Haiku #2. Woop.

I have a few things to say, Mandi.

First off, you found out "how shitty people can be"? Wtf. You were the shitty one in this entire thing, you and Justin both. You know how it feels to have the person you love be stolen, to be unfaithful, and yet you, my supposed bff, did it to me. Yes, I told Josh and Krissy what you said, because I think they had a right to know. They were honest with me, so I was honest in return. Maybe you shouldn't have said that, and she wouldn't have been angry with you.

Second, the whole at least I'm not sticking my nose where it doesn't belong this time thing...I never put my nose in nonsense back then, I was involved. Why? Because I was there for her when she needed me. Yeah, we said some mean shit about you, but you probably did the same about us. I was being supportive, like a friend should be, not out fucking around with her boyfriend.

You can say what you want. You can get over this, show no remorse or regret, but you're the one who has to live with the fact the you broke me. You tore me apart and completely killed any happy memories I had of my first love, and my first real relationship. You ruined me for any future friendships, because I now can trust no one. And the kicker is you don't even care, you're not even sorry. So that's fine. I hope you have a good life, and I hope when you find another bff, someone who you're as close with as you were supposedly close to me, that you don't destroy them the way you destroyed me.

So... I no longer am friends with Justin and Mandi. And fuck being nice, I'm putting this shit out there so everyone knows what they did to me.

I found out that it wasn't just kissing beind my back for nine fucking months while Justin and I were still together, like I originally thought when I found out about all this two weeks ago. There was other stuff happening too. They both deny itm say they blacked out because they don't remember it, but I think its funny how they can't remember that stuff but remember the rest of those nights.

I'm done with them both. And as I told Mandi this, she stormed off and as she was, she said "Its not my fault your boyfriend wanted me. Have fun being alone." Nice huh? If that's what she thinks, she's fucking deluded. If he wanted her, he'd be with her now, not Heather, now wouldn't he? Funny how that works.

As for him, I've said my piece to him. He was my first love, first boyfriend, I gave him my fucking virginity, and this is the thanks I get. I made mistakes, yes I have, but I've paid for them greeatly and was honest with him about them. He instead chose to lie to me and carry shit on for months, with the person who he knew it would kill me to find out.

I thank him for ruining something I should be able to look back on and remember happily. And I told him that I hated Heather, and am angry with her, because she's going to get the relationship with him that I never had, yet deserved. But I also told him that, as angry as I am at her, I pray to god he never does this to her, because she's been through enough.

Mandi also tried to bring Krissy and Josh into this. Which is bullshit. At least they were fucking honest with me, which is more then I can say for her and Justin.

It seems like in shitty times you find out who really cares. And I did. So thank you to everyone who held me together Saturday night, and through all this crap...Josh and Krissy, Darien, Fe, Kandice, Aprl, Jeremiah. Pretty much my crew at Rite Aid. I love ya'll.

So to everyone who bothers to read this, watch out. You never know when your "best friend" will turn on you. And you never know when the "love of your life" is fucking around on you. Be careful.

I can't do this. Every day I wake up and want to die..I cannot handle Justin and Heather being together. I want him in my life but I can't handle it...

I'm so fucking angry at them. Words can't even say..I feel like shit all the time and I'm constantly hurting and I'm constantly reminded. I see her every fucking where, all the fucking time. He leaves to hang out with her, talks to me while driving to get her, answers her calls when with me (but not my calls when with her) and I can't fucking take this anymore. I can't fucking do it.

Left out to dry
An antique in your eyes
I'm withered
And ugly and old

And fresh out of the cellophane
She's sparkling
Brand spanking new
Beautiful and loveable
And she wants to be with you

I have cracks and tears gallore
A story too ancient to tell
I might not be good looking
But I've been worn in really well
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of time to say
Half of what I mean
I understand that you don't care
But at times like this
I must be seen! Not heard

You laugh and call my pain absurd!
And so my words are silenced
Repeating this sorry eulogy
Gets tired after all these years
And you drop me like a stolen kiss
Confirming all my deepest fears

And yet these shears aren't strong enough
To sever the cord that binds us so
And I'm left alone to contemplate
When gravity became my foe
By pulling me to stand too close to you

And when the hand reaches out
To pick me up
From off the ground
I will silently thank him for what he did
And close the lid on what we had
But as long as that cord
Is still attached
I will never get away

So I'll sit in wait for my day to come
When someone who is strong enough
Will come and rescue me from the tandem of this hell
From the sanctity of this so-called well
From my own inner silence
From the demons inside
Who like to get violent

From the lasting pull of gravity
That's still connecting you and me
And break it with a love thats real and true
But until then,
We'll remain friends
And my pain will follow me
As I fall into you
- - - - - - - - - -

I have to work a 10 hour day tomorrow. Ugh.

Kandice offered to put bleach in Heathers darks today. It made me smile. :) I sometimes rly love my job.

I'm depressed.

Escape for me would be
To not see you and she
Who I cannot stand
And I cannot stand to face this
I don't care if you think this is tasteless
Cause I've become an empty shell

And I'm dwelling in this hell
Of small town life
Day after day wondering
Walking the same street, thundering

Angry with myself for being so weak
Angry with you for having the nerve to speak
To me
With such brutal honestly
I think ill never get better
Tears just serve to make my eyes wetter

Okay I just have a few things to say..

I was told that one friend (1) let another friend (2) read my livejournal and 2 got mad about "some stuff" that was said about him. Okay, I said one goddamn thing and that is that he was being a fucktard. And that particular day, he was.

...So fucking what!? Like he hasn't said bad shit about me, I bet. I have so much shit going on in my life right now, what with Justin and Heather, trying to save money, trying to focus on myself and better myself...and I have to deal with bullshit like this. I'm to the point where I just want to forget everyone and be a fucking recluse because everyone has to start shit.

Maybe if friend 2 stopped being such an asshole to everyone because he and his girlfriend don't get to see eachother as often, this wouldn't happen.

And you don't get to see her that often? Well Mandi and I don't ever see her anymore. And when were in rite aid and we are trying to have a private conversation with her, or a conversation at all, you have to be all up in it when its none of your business. I'm sorry, but she was our best friend before she was your girlfriend.

I've fucking championed you and always been like oh he's such a good guy and blablablah and you still treat me like crap. So whatever.

I don't know what to say anymore..but if you really want to start bogus crap over something like this when my life is hard enough right now, maybe I don't need you as a friend anymore.

It was epic and amazing and awesome. And Mandi and I loved it.

Justin and Heather are officially a couple. And Justin and I aren't friends anymore. I'm kind of heartbroken a bit.

I don't want to work tomorrow.

Work sucked. But I'm off Sunday woo. Gotta go shopping fer foodz tomorrow. Fun stuff. Ill be broke afterwards though. :(

Gotta give Mandi the hundred bux for our apt.

Saw Matt today. He saw me first actually...he was coming from the pharmacy (I didn't even see him come in lolz) and he waved at me. I was like oh hey sir. Whaddup? And we chatted for a few minutes. It was cool.

I'm fucking tired as shit.

Laundry day sucks. Lol. And I don't wanna work tomorrow! Ugh.

I've been watching TV all fricking day. True Blood, Project Runway, Steves show...all kinds of shit lol. There is like NOTHING on. Haha.

I slept so good last night. :D

I might take a nap, idk.

My favorite part of Thirteen? The poem..

"He was crippled, but only his body was cracked. Its not simple, nor is it an easy matter to explain. Lets leave it at that," she cries, and closes the holy book of lies on what she thought happened.

( Well, at least, I think that's how it goes. )